Ive always heard about Postpartum Depression and how they can be very bad. Of course everyone is different and is effected differently. Me and my partner took us a little over a year and 2 miscarriages. you can imagine how worried and happy we where when we finally had a healthy pregnancy.
My partners cousin told me how bad she had it with her daughter. she said she could not stand looking at her baby and would have horrible thoughts. Her family had to always be with her to keep an eye out in case she actually harms her baby. At this point i didn't know what to say, i had a blank face. She kept telling me that little by little it went away and hated her self for even thinking those thing. It really opened my eyes, but told my self that its not going to happen to me.
When i had Emma i just remember just not having any emotions. During my delivery i tore in 3 different placed and lost a lot of blood. They closed me up so fast that i ended up with a hematoma. As soon as they sat me up i passed out because i was given triple the magnesium for my blood pressure that was borderline toxic and dropped my blood pressure super low. If that wasn't enough the hematoma kept getting bigger so the next day i had surgery to drain it and a blood transfusion. so yeah a lot has happened.
I started to hate my self. Why? i could do anything. I wanted to change her. Bathe her. Feeding her was a struggle. Evey time i was alone i would just hold her and cry. Useless! i know things happens and it out of my hands. but i will feel nothing towards her. I hated my self even more for knowing that. When i left i had an appointment for her. big story short i had to take her to the hospital the next day because her jaundice was very high. Back to the hospital for another 3 days for her. Of course i cried all those days just over thinking things.
When all that passed i was back home and would visit my mom. Moms know best i always say. Every time she will ask me if i was ok and i will always say yes. she kept telling me im always talking and im not. I did open up to her but not to the fullest. she told me it was ok to feel like that but if i feel it getting worse to go see someone. I thought about it and i ended not going, in time i felt better. Once i recovered i felt i can do anything.
I love my daughter i wish things could of happened differently but that's how it went and there's nothing i can do about it. Now im enjoying every dirty dipper, sleepless night with her. she is the light of my life. I couldn't of ask for better help and that's my mom my boyfriend and sister without them i don't know what i would of done.
If you feel just a bit different
tell someone, let it all out. Know that you are not the only one.
No comments:
Post a Comment